


you stain all on my body like you're red wine (you’re the fucking acid to my alkaline)

by chocolatecrack



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, SixTONES (Band)
Genre: 11 Minutes AU, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Emo Boy Hokuto Back At It Again, Five Stages of Grief, Hokuto Is Suffering, Hokuto-centric, I'VE MENTIONED DEATH SO MANY TIMES ALREADY I SWEAR, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Nightmares, Non-Linear Narrative, SOMEBODY DIES SO DONT TELL ME I DIDNT WARN ALL OF Y'ALL, Suffering, THERE HAVE SOME HOPE, Trigger warning death, im claming copyright on that tag loljk, ok anw, rated mature for the death lol, you'll understand that tag later on lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:07:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23927359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolatecrack/pseuds/chocolatecrack
Summary: The television was turned all the way up to its full volume, sirens coming from its speakers and echoing throughout the room, a news channel playing. The lady in a dull grey tailored suit had an upset expression on her face. A look of sadness evident in her eyes. She looked heartbroken while reporting.The young man’s life. Wasted. So wasted.
Relationships: Kyomoto Taiga/Matsumura Hokuto
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	you stain all on my body like you're red wine (you’re the fucking acid to my alkaline)

**Author's Note:**

> OMG HEY SHE WROTE KYOMOHOKU FIC AGAINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN hehehehehehe
> 
> there is death in this. there is. I HAVE WARNED Y'ALL. I HAVE. SO MANY TIMES IN THE TAG AND THE ARCHIVE WARNINGS. so don't be surprised. im sorry in advance.
> 
> meanwhile peak a little tag there a try to feel a little hopeful for our Resident Emo Boy Matsumura Hokuto. even tho this very much fits the Hokuto Is Suffering Chronicles aesthetic. LOOOOL. im so sorry bby boy. I try to write u happily, but well. oop.
> 
> anyways!!!! been (((secretly))) working on this fic since FOREVER i finally finished yaaaay. this fic is heavily HEAVILY based on the 11 Minutes (by YUNGBLUD & Halsey feat. Travis Barker) music video. so if y'all want aesthetics and references for this, go watch that video. srsly. I basically made it into word form and inserted Hokuto and Taiga into it. so yea. go listen while reading too, it'll help with the feel of things!!! it also touches the concept of the 5 Stages of Grief, so that was an interesting topic to tap into!
> 
> title and in-fic quotes are lyrics from the song too. so this is basically...a songfic. i cant believe those still exist and i cant believe i just wrote one. LOL.
> 
> I wanna shoutout [blankcamellia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blankcamellia/) bcos she deals with all of my kyomohokku fic screaming HAHAHAHA love u bby
> 
> ANYWAYS! Enough chitter-chatter HAHAHA! Hope y'all enjoy readinggggg ! Might have some typos bcos this is un-beta'd oops pls forgive!
> 
> chocolatecrack @ LJ || scenesinmoonstruck @ Tumblr || tobikko_2007 @ Twitter if you guys want to talk!
> 
> Also: to those who want to comment but don't want to go off anon, I made an ask.fm account for fics! :D --> http://ask.fm/chocolatecrack  
> And idk omg buy me a coffee maybe? I WOULD APPRECIATE IT SO MUCH AND I WOULD LOVE U SO MUCH AND THANK U huhu ❤ --> https://ko-fi.com/GrenadineDream

_I think I missed you calling on the other line  
_ _I’m just thinking all these thoughts up in my mind_

* * *

Chapter 1: Denial

_Be there in 11 minutes. See you when I see you._

That was the last text. The very last text Hokuto ever received from Kyomoto Taiga right before his television screen, for reasons unknown, suddenly turned on, harsh light flooding the otherwise pitch black room of his apartment. Apartment fit for just one. Other times two. Those were the best days.

The television was turned all the way up to its full volume, sirens coming from its speakers and echoing throughout the room, a news channel playing. The lady in a dull grey tailored suit had an upset expression on her face. A look of sadness evident in her eyes. She looked heartbroken while reporting.

The young man’s life. Wasted. So wasted.

Hokuto opened his eyes wide as if an alarm had just gone off somewhere. But there were no alarms. Only a watch around his wrist that read 11 minutes. 11 minutes left, counting down. 10:59. 10:58. 10:57. _Wait. Stopstopstop. No._

This wasn’t happening. Of course it wasn’t happening. He felt _something_ but of course that wasn’t real. It wasn’t, it definitely wasn’t. He couldn’t have just felt something like that. _Especially_ that. How could he have known anyway? How could someone _feel_ that happen to someone else?

Except that still didn’t stop him from cursing, getting up from his tangled sheets, working his way through his messy apartment. He grabbed a trench coat from a coat rack and in his rush, the whole thing came crashing down, almost breaking in its fall. He couldn’t seem to find his steps. Like his legs had turned to spaghetti or jello, too weak to walk properly. But his feet were firm on the ground, wanting and determined to get to their destination.

He knocked down a few more things on his way out. Furniture here, glassware there. Not that he cared of course. He had to get out. He had to get there. He _had_ to.

Before it was too late.

Hokuto didn’t even bother taking the elevator. He took the stairs down, two at a time, lightning speed on the way out. Long legs with long strides, he broke out into a run, accidentally bumping into a woman who had just come from a Family Mart, knocking over her plastic bag. He tried to grab what he could, tried to give her things back. But the time. The time was ticking. Time was his enemy. 7:30. 7:29. 7:28. He wanted to get there. He wanted to make it, he knew it in his heart, he could make it. The woman would understand if he wasn’t feeling all that nice tonight.

He ran and ran and ran, ran with all his might, going and going to where his feet were taking him. Along the way, he avoided all the people, all the lights, all that was happening, everything that surrounded him. Like the whole world was a blur and all that he could think about was 11 minutes. His 11 minutes that counted down, still. 5:08. 5:07. 5:06. A little more. Just a little bit more and he would be there. Because it wasn’t happening, it wasn’t, of course not. No. He refused to accept it was happening. 

A homeless man had his feet sprawled out on the sidewalk. And because he wasn’t looking, Hokuto tripped over his legs, catching himself, his palms grazing the cold hard gravel of the sidewalk. With a curse, he struggled to get back up again, get back on his feet, still in a hurry. Never mind the peeled skin of his palms from the fall. Never mind the dirt on his coat. Never mind the air threatening to empty out from his lungs. It all didn’t matter. Only one thing mattered. Only one thing ever mattered to him.

Was he running out of time? He didn’t realize that he took too long, with all the other obstacles in his way.

Hokuto was barely up from his fall when he checked his watch. 00:03. 00:02. 00:01.

00:00.

_No. No, no, no._

His time ran out.

How could his time run out? Had it really run out? He couldn’t get there in time. Not even past halfway. Because he didn’t try hard enough, he wasn’t fast enough, he took too much of a chance and not enough risks. Was this happening? Was this really happening? He was too late. Too fucking late.

The sirens kept repeating over and over, a constant reminder of his fuck up.

He tried to deny it. Because it wasn’t real. It wasn’t real, right? None of it was. From start to finish. It was impossible.

But. _But_.

Still.

Kyomoto Taiga laid on a Shibuya street, taxi toppled over, head bloodied and bruised, eyes closed. Lifeless. Gone.

He was gone.

No, but he couldn’t be. Hokuto had the opportunity, he was _given_ the opportunity to do something about it. 11 minutes. Only 11 minutes. But he wasn’t able to.

He knew it now. As his heart broke, as he cried his eyes out, letting out a wail of despair, he realized it. Taiga was gone. And he was too late. Too fucking late.

11 minutes too late.

* * *

_And his lipstick arithmetic didn’t stick  
_ _And now I’m sick, throwing fits_

* * *

Chapter 2: Anger

A sudden jolt of electricity had Hokuto sitting upright on his bed, heat in his blood, and fire in his eyes. His watch lit up again, and the countdown began. 11 minutes. 10:59. 10:58. 10:57. “Fuck!!” he yelled, because no, not this, not this again.

He got up immediately, refusing to fuck up again. He wasn’t going to fucking let that happen. No fucking way.

Yelling out loud, Hokuto didn’t bother with a coat. Didn’t bother caring about anything else, really, because all he could see was red. Why the fuck did the universe hate him? Years and _years_ , he had spent fixing his relationship with Taiga. Their friendship, their companionship, their camaraderie. Finally gathered the courage to ask him out. Building and fixing and mending their relationship. All aspects of it. Their love, finally on solid ground. Finally stable. Finally whole. Finally _there_.

And all of that literally came crumbling down the moment his watch had started counting down from 11:00.

But he could still make it. Like fuck would he let the universe torture him more. He was going to make it, or he would die trying. Fuck everything else. 

A bubbling fury was building inside him, swimming through his blood and veins like poison. How could they? How could they do this? How could they attempt to take away the one thing, the very thing, that made him want to live and made him feel alive? How dare they even touch a single strand of hair on his head? His beautiful blond hair, his porcelain face. The universe could go to shit, for all Hokuto cared. If Taiga wasn’t in it, then what the fuck did it matter?

But he cared _now_. Because despite being angry, despite all his pent up rage at the fucking universe, Hokuto still had a chance. He had a chance to make things right, to get it right, to try to not fuck up this time around. 

So he ran. Forgive him for not helping a lady pick up his things after running into her. Forgive him for running in the middle of a couple walking too slow on the sidewalk. Forgive him for bumping into a high schooler and knocking down all of his books. Forgive him for accidentally tripping over the homeless man’s sprawled out legs. Forgive him for not giving a single flying fuck.

His time. His time was still ticking.1:34. 1:33. 1:32. Fucking time moving too fucking fast.

A few more steps, and he was there. So so so fucking close. He just needed to get past this tunnel. He could see the light at the end, like a light that called him. _He’s there, Hokuto. He’s the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s Taiga. He’s there._

But no matter how fast he ran, how much he tried to make it, it was no use. 00:03. 00:02. 00:01.

00:00. 

His time had run out, again. The light at the end dissipated. The light that he so desperately clung onto. He knew what that meant.

Hokuto couldn’t help but scream out loud. He yelled out Taiga’s name, yelled so loud, not knowing he could even yell that strong and that much. Then he cursed at nothing, cursed at the universe for doing this to him, voice sounding like pure acid. Tears of anger couldn’t help but fall from Hokuto’s eyes, a broken wail coming from his chest, an angry and desperate cry that manifested itself onto his being. Nothing was fucking worse than this.

Why him? Of all the people, why him? Why did he have to go through this hurt?

And why _him?_ Of all the fucking people in Shibuya, in Tokyo, in Japan, in the _world,_ why did have to be him? Why did it have to be Kyomoto Taiga?

Kyomoto Taiga with the beautiful eyes and beautiful smile. Kyomoto Taiga with the voice that sounded like sirens luring sailormen out to sea, hypnotizing and so inviting, a voice you couldn’t help but listen to. Kyomoto Taiga who held so much promise and promised so much for the future. For _their_ future.

Kyomoto Taiga, who owned Hokuto’s whole heart.

Gone too early. Gone in just 11 minutes. Gone because Hokuto couldn’t save him.

Gone because Hokuto was too late.

* * *

_Talking love but I can’t even read the signs  
_ _I would sell my soul for a bit more time_

* * *

Chapter 3: Bargaining

The afternoon light slowly descended into the darkness of evening, a tell of hours passing. Hokuto woke up calmer this time, the alarm on his watch a signal for him to get going, to move, to get to where he was supposed to go. He tried to think rationally, this time. To think with a steady mind, breathe slowly, know that he could do this. He could do it _right_. He could if he just did things in the way that he should’ve done from the start.

He still didn’t know why he was given this opportunity. And again. To try again, try _better_ this time. Try to actually do things and succeed. His 11 minutes started counting down, telling him that he should start. 10:59. 10:58. 10:57. Maybe if he did things right this time, it’ll finally happen. Maybe if he did things right, it’ll finally work. Maybe if he did things right, he’ll finally be able to get to Taiga. Finally be able to _save_ him.

What if it worked this time? What if this time was different from the earlier ones?

He bet on those what ifs. Hokuto took his chances because he wanted Taiga. He wanted him safe.

He took his coat carefully, making sure the rack didn’t crash. He tried to calm himself, even though he still ran, but he made sure to keep a level head. Maybe if he did this, things wouldn’t go wrong.

Along the way, he made sure to do things properly. Hokuto avoided bumping into the woman from Family, avoided moving in between the couple walking in front of him, avoided the high school boy and books, even gave the homeless man some help. 07:47. 07:46. 07:45. He still had time. He had lots of time. 

What if what he was doing was working? What if he was going to make it this time?

_Please, please. I need to get to him._

Hokuto checked his watch again, 5:16. 5:15. 5:14. He had plenty of time. He was doing things right. He was doing things according to plan. The tunnel was in his view now and he knew that once he moved past it, a few more streets, and he was at Shibuya crossing. He was going to make it. He was going to succeed.

He was going to save Taiga.

The tunnel finally came to view, and Hokuto ran as fast as he could, passing through it with a newfound vigor and his heart beating too fucking fast in his chest. Was this hope? Was this a taste of hope, telling him that he could see him again? See Taiga, _his_ Taiga, again? Blond hair, bright eyes, small smile. Holding Hokuto’s heart in his hands like it was nothing and everything all at the same time. Taking his breath away and finding more reasons to keep him alive. Taiga. Kyomoto Taiga.

Hokuto passed the tunnel and checked his watch again. 3:27. 3:26. 3:25. He had plenty of time. What if this was it? What if this was the end to his suffering?

Just as he had turned and twisted around the streets of Shibuya, familiarity taking him to his destination, he saw and heard a crowd from afar. When he was finally there, a mere hairdsbeath away from the scene, from the accident, too many people had crowded around and got in his way.

So many newscasters were reporting on the accident from all of the different networks, different TV stations. Too many loud sirens from numerous ambulances were alarming him that they were all there for one purpose. For one person. There was a significant number of people, of onlookers, who surrounded the area, all trying to get some sort of view of the situation. Hokuto weaved his way through the streets and found himself at a pinch.

He checked his watch again. 01:09. 01:08. 01:07.

_No. No, no, no. This was not happening._

_Please, please, anything but this. Please, don’t let this stop me._

“Excuse me, please!” Hokuto yelled, a desperate sting to his voice. “Please, I have to get to him!”

He begged and begged for people to get out of his way, trying his best to squeeze himself through the crowd, who happened to increase with every desperate attempt he did to get through. “Please, I know him, I have to get there!”

Hokuto could feel his hope dwindling, his watch, bright and bold, telling him of his time. 00:33. 00:32. 00:31. He was running out. He was fucking running out.

“Please!!” he shouted again, louder this time, “please, I need to get to him! I need to get to Taiga! I can save him!! Please, get out of the way, please!!”

But it wasn’t working. The crowd was still thick, and even if he was slowly moving towards the front of it already, there was just not enough time. Not enough time to get to Taiga. Not enough time to finally save him.

“ _Please!!!_ ” Hokuto continued to beg, almost for mercy already, almost like he wasn’t even begging the crowd anymore. Like it was aimed at whatever the fuck entity it was that was doing this to him. _Please, enough. Please, let him live. Please stop this pain. Please let me get to Taiga._

_Please, I need him in my life._

_Please, he means so much to me._

_Please, I love him too much._

“Please, let me through!!!” 

But it was no use. The crowd wasn’t dissolving, the police were putting caution tape, the medics were approaching the scene. And there was nothing that Hokuto could do. Nothing but beg and bargain for a little bit of a chance. A chance to get things right. There was nothing left.

He checked his watch again, crashing to the ground, feeling like his whole being was beaten. 00:03. 00:02. 00:01.

00:00.

In his death, Taiga was still so beautiful. Still took Hokuto’s breath away, even when he himself had no such thing anymore. _Why couldn’t it just be me? Why couldn’t they have taken me instead?_

There was nothing left. Nothing but tears that fell oh-so graciously from Hokuto’s eyes, because it was the only thing he could do.

All it took was 11 minutes, and Taiga was dead.

Hokuto had nothing left.

* * *

_And I’m down and depressed  
_ _All I want is your head on my chest_

* * *

Chapter 4: Depression

There was no point to it anymore.

His watch had gone off its alarm again, television echoing throughout Hokuto’s apartment, ambulance sirens loud and clear. The lady in the dull grey suit, reporting the accident. The scene looking like a travesty, onlookers and passersby crowding the situation to have a glimpse of what had happened. A tragedy. Oh, what a tragedy.

11 minutes started counting down. 10:59. 10:58. 10:57. Hokuto didn’t bother getting up.

What was the point anyway? What was the goddamn point? No matter how hard he tried, he wasn’t going to make it. He wasn’t going to do things right. He wasn’t going to save him.

He wasn’t going to save Taiga.

Taiga would still bleed on the Shibuya crossing street, his beautiful face nothing but a distant memory. Hokuto could do nothing about it, no matter how much he tried. And he _did_ try. He tried so much to be able to _do_ something. But there was no point to it, anymore. He knew he was going to fail.

So Hokuto simply stared at his bare ceiling, white like the walls of a padded cell. He actually even felt like he was going crazy, staring at nothingness, all by himself. Memories haunted him as he stared on, beautiful ones but dangerous ones. They consisted of a bright smile, soft blond hair and a whisper of I love yous spoken in the quiet of the night. Taiga never failed to tell him those words. Hokuto had always wanted to say it back, the same amount.

Now it was too late.

He wanted Taiga there, in his apartment, with him. The two of them would lay down together as he traced circles on Taiga’s hip, Taiga caressing his bare chest. They would talk about everything and then nothing, anything that seemed interesting but also consisted of nonsense. Sometimes, they would agree, and sometimes they would argue. But rare was the time that they didn’t make up, after. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

And now Taiga was gone, slowly drifting away from him as the countdown on his watch slowly raced to its finish line. 6:48. 6:47. 6:46. It didn’t matter to Hokuto, this time. It didn’t matter that his time was running out. He already felt like it had already run out, anyway.

He still didn’t understand why the universe was choosing to punish him like this. Why the universe decided to take away the very thing that his heart beat. Nothing mattered but Taiga. Kyomoto Taiga and the way he was perfectly imperfect, and imperfectly perfect. Kyomoto Taiga and how he fit so much with him, like two halves to make a whole. Kyomoto Taiga who made him feel like jumping off the edge of a cliff was going to well damn worth it, as long as they both did it together. Kyomoto Taiga, who would kiss him until he was intoxicated, drunk with the taste of forever and a day.

Kyomoto Taiga was no more.

Hokuto didn’t even bother getting up the bed, except for that one trip to the nearest convenience store, spending his money on bottles and bottles of alcohol. He drank until he felt numb and the world was spinning too much. Then he would get glimpses of memories when he closed his eyes to think. Memories of Taiga’s smile and the way it had a hold on him. But they were all memories now, far from being concrete. He imagined Taiga standing somewhere in the room, looking at him softly, and he started talking to him. Begging him not to go, mirage tempting him and torturing him all the same. _Please, don’t go. Dear mirage, please don’t go. Let me have you this way, at least._

But it amounted to nothing. Because he was talking to nothing, staring at nothing, feeling nothing. Nothing but a figment of his imagination, meant to ease his pain, but instead did the complete opposite and caused even more of it. Hokuto went back to crying.

When was it going to end? When was his suffering going to end? Was it going to haunt him forever, his lost chance? His would have beens, could have beens, should have beens. All the missed opportunities to still _be_ with Taiga. All the missed chances to save him. It felt like gunshots to his heart, each one, slowly killing him from within.

He was given 11 minutes too long, but apparently 11 minutes too short. The minutes of his watch countdown, still: 3:38. 3:37. 3:36. Hokuto just kept staring at the numbers, knowing no matter what he did, nothing would change.

Each breath he took, he felt was so unfair. Each breath he took, he felt like he was taking too much. Each breath he took should’ve been Taiga’s instead.

Now he was gone, gone, _gone,_ and there was nothing left to do. Nothing but stare at the black pit of his room, room empty without Taiga living in it.

His home felt more like a house, now. Just a house. An empty shell that housed an even emptier person. Empty memories and empty feelings floating in the air like wisps of smoke from cigarettes, gone too soon.

Kyomoto Taiga, gone too soon.

The memories kept coming, haunting him with a force that made Hokuto want to scream. He wanted to scream so bad and yet not a single voice came out. Not even so much as a whisper. It was like his body had given up on everything, refused to function if his heart wasn’t running, if his heart was broken. Refused to be anything if Taiga wasn’t there with him.

There was no point. Nothing mattered anymore. He kept telling himself that. And sooner rather than later, he really believed it. Not that he ever doubted it. Taiga was the only thing that mattered, after all. And nothing was going to change that.

Hokuto looked at his watch again, pure curiosity taking over. The countdown ticked. 00:03. 00:02. 00:01.

00:00.

And that was it. That was the finish line, the endgame, the last step. The final nail to the coffin—how fitting.

Taiga was gone.

And he took Hokuto’s whole heart with him.

* * *

_Call me stupid, call me sad  
_ _You’re the best I’ve ever had  
_ _You’re the worst I’ve ever had  
_ _And that keeps fucking with my head_

* * *

Chapter 5: Acceptance

It still hurt. Of course it did. Hokuto thought the pain wouldn’t go away, ever, after all.

But it was easier to deal with it, now. Easier to to think about and accept that it was the truth. That Taiga was gone. That he was all alone. That this was the new normal.

His alarm had gone off again, counting down 11 minutes. 10:59. 10:58. 10:57. Hokuto knew now, though, that it wasn’t a countdown to save Taiga anymore. It was a countdown to a realization. A sad and painful, but inevitable one. That he couldn’t do anything to save Taiga. And that he had to deal with that.

With a deep breath, he finally got up.

Alcohol reeked from all over, used bottles and cans decorating the place like flower offerings to the dead. It was sort of ironic, the more he thought about it. So he went to the kitchen, located a big enough plastic bag to pick them all up.

And he had to pick himself up, too.

It proved to be a little difficult when he saw how things were. Tomatoes in the vegetable tray, plates, spoon and forks, chopsticks, glasses for two. A kitchen table, what they’ve always wanted to get. What they always talked about getting, before moving in together. They fit so perfectly in it, and Hokuto remembered all the times Taiga had convinced him to make a dish or two, because he was craving it, Taiga always praising his cooking, always smiling when he took a bite. _God,_ Hokuto missed that smile.

He started picking up cans and bottles, flashes of memories continuing to haunt him as he walked. Movie marathons in the living room, Taiga sitting comfortable between his legs, leaning back. Smoking in the balcony, the both of them, as they talked about all the stress that work brought. One too many fights in the hallway, arguing about everything and nothing, all reasons Hokuto had already forgotten.

In truth, Hokuto would choose all the days before, when he fought with Taiga, than all the days ahead, where Taiga wouldn’t be with him at all.

He walked towards the bathroom, stepping inside it, a hollow expression on his face. There were two toothbrushes sitting in the holder, a pink and black one. Taiga said it wasn’t necessary for them to be in member colors, but Hokuto thought it was cute. The first time they brushed their teeth together, Taiga finally admitted that they _were_ cute, after all.

Then there were more: Taiga’s shampoo bottle, half full, his favorite soap near the bathtub, his towel hanging on the rack. It was like there was still a ghost living in the apartment, leaving pain behind for Hokuto to pick up on, whispering into the air.

_I'm 11 minutes away. Why aren't you here, Hokuto? Why aren't you here?_

He imagined Taiga saying those words, and shiver ran up and down his spine, not knowing how to handle it. And he dreaded what was next.

The door to the bedroom was closed, Hokuto shutting it behind him when he finally decided to get up. But now he had to muster up the courage to even touch the knob, hands shaking from crying and hurt and heartbreak. Because he knew when he opened the door, it was going to be even more real. When he opened the door, he would see everything inside of it. Everything but what he hoped for. Everything but what mattered.

Everything but Taiga.

He turned the knob, and it was like a gust of wind hit him in the face.

Taiga’s scent filled the room, his leather jacket thrown haphazardly on one corner, his pants lying on the desk, his guitar on its stand, music sheets scattered on the table next to it.

Another bout of memories tortured Hokuto: Taiga smiling and laughing at what he had just said while they lied down on the bed, spooning after making sweet love. Memories of Taiga kissing Hokuto’s shoulder and whispering in his ear, telling him that things were going to be alright, after Hokuto had just cried. Memories of Taiga singing to him while he played the guitar, a song he had told Hokuto that he wrote that morning, when he remembered how much Hokuto made him feel like he was on top of the world. Memories of Taiga and the way he told Hokuto he loved him, no matter what, when, and where. Even if the world turned upside down. 

That was all that they were, now. That was all what the moments were. Mere memories, painful to look back on, but a beauty to behold.

And that was all what Taiga was. A memory. Beautiful, broken. Gone.

For some reason, Hokuto decided to check his watch, looking at the countdown. 00:03. 00:02. 00:01.

00:00.

Hokuto took a deep breath.

Taiga was gone. Taiga was gone forever.

And no matter how much it hurt, Hokuto had to deal with it. To live with it. To live _without_ him. He had to live with his heart broken, no matter how much he accepted Taiga’s disappearance.

Hokuto had to live alone, his only love, the only love he ever had, gone from his grasp. Even when he was given, 1, 2...5 chances to change things. To make things better. Make things right.

Hokuto was alone.

All alone.

_Goodbye._

* * *

_Tell me what you need  
I can make you more than what you are  
Come and lay the roses on the floor _

* * *

Chapter 6: Realization. Relief. Restart.

Hokuto gasped like he had just resurfaced from the deepest waters, trying to catch air back into his lungs for fear of running out. He panted and heaved, throat feeling dry and tongue feeling like sandpaper. His mind was spinning, like he was intoxicated from the strongest of alcohols, and he couldn’t find a way to stop. _Stop. Please, stop._

A nightmare replayed in his head: the vibration of his phone from a last text, bitter denial of what was happening, an anger that felt like hot acid from a lost opportunity, begging for mercy and still missing his chance, feeling like the world had crumbled and emptied, the pieces of memories like glass shards piercing his chest.

His chest.

Hokuto clutched at it, almost as if checking if his heavy heart was still beating. If his heart had escaped. When he felt the beating of a thousand drums, a thousand men marching, he sighed deeply in relief. He was fine. Of course he was?

Was he?

There was a faint taste of ash on his tongue, like the burning of something that had once tasted so sweet. It tasted like a goodbye. Why was what? What was happening. Why did he feel like he was running out of breath, running out of heartbeats, running out of time?

Wait. Time.

His time.

Hokuto checked his watch, a sudden realization hitting him. Flashes of memories had gone off in his thoughts, lightning striking the cold hard ground, crackling and rumbling, along with the thunder. There was supposed to be a countdown. 11 minutes on his wristwatch, counting down, too fast and too soon.

Someone dying. Over, and over, and _over._

_Be there in 11 minutes._

11 minutes.

He was supposed to be somewhere in 11 minutes.

He was supposed to be running, trying to make it, trying to fix things, trying to save somebody. He was supposed to be saving—

“Hokuto?” a voice had sounded from beside him on the bed, a little curious, a little alert. “Hokuto, what’s wrong?”

Taiga sat up, looking at him with concern in his eyes and worry in his voice.

Hokuto felt like his whole world had restarted.

Taiga was looking at him, a faint pink blush on his cheeks to match the pink of his lips. Eyes big and questioning, skin glowing with the moonlight, bright hair brighter than all the stars combined. Hokuto couldn’t breathe, feeling like his heart had stopped in his chest.

“You’re—” Hokuto was in disbelief, body shaking from shock. “Are you—” his voice was a mere whisper, unable to say words louder, scared of what he could say wrong, of what could wrong, of what they could take away from him again. Not again. Never again.

So he said the only thing he thought was necessary.

“ _Please, don’t be a dream,_ ”

Because how was this real? How was _Taiga_ real? How was sitting here, now, next to him, like he hadn’t just disappeared from his life? How was he in their room, like nothing had happened, like everything was the same? How was he breathing, so normally, so humanly?

How was he alive?

Hokuto was so afraid of touching him, feeling like Taiga was fragile glass and he was going to break him with a single caress. Hokuto dared not do that.

Taiga furrowed his eyebrows, utterly confused. “Hokuto, what’s happening?” then he noticed Hokuto’s hand, shaking, hesitating from touching him. “Hokuto, are you okay?” Taiga lifted a hand to Hokuto’s cheeks, then, wiping a fallen tear.

Hokuto hadn’t even realized he was crying. With a gasp, he felt Taiga’s touch, like fire on his skin, igniting him. Taiga lifted his other hand, holding Hokuto’s face, facing him with a determined look, “Hokuto _what_ is happening?? You’re scaring me. You look like—”

But Hokuto had pulled Taiga in then, a desperate kiss leaving his lips. Taiga, surprised at first, kissed back immediately, pulling Hokuto close. But he wondered, still. He wondered what had happened. He wondered because Hokuto was kissing him like it was his last day on Earth, like he was leaving, like there was not much ahead of them.

Pulling away, Taiga gulped, overwhelmed by Hokuto’s kiss. “Hokuto, what’s wrong?? You’re kissing me like you’re saying goodbye. Are you going to leave or—”

Hokuto shook his head no, vigorously. “ _No, no, no._ No more leaving. Please. _Please._ I won’t be able to take it anymore. Not anymore. No more leaving, no more disappearing. I need you here, I won’t be able to survive. Please, Taiga I’m begging you, _please._ ” He was crying again, sobs getting louder and louder, tears falling like raindrops, begging like his life depended on it. In truth, it felt like it did.

Taiga was surprised, immediately pulling Hokuto closer to him, heartstrings breaking. “Hey, hey, shh, come here,” he kissed him again, softer, Hokuto sobbing but kissing back with so much emotion and passion. Taiga pulled away again, but kept their foreheads stuck together. “I’m not leaving you. I thought _you_ were saying goodbye. Hokuto, tell me what’s wrong. Please. I’m here. You’re not going to lose me.”

But Hokuto kept crying, unable to stop the tears. He choked on his sobs, words trying to form sentences, stories of nightmares and missed chances and blood. So much blood. And goodbyes. Goodbyes he never wanted to hear. Ever. Hokuto hoped Taiga understood enough.

It seemed like he did, though, because he pulled Hokuto in again. This time, Taiga kissed his cheeks, kissed the tears away, smoothed his eyelids close and kissed them, kissed the crease between his eyebrows, kissed his forehead, kissed the corner of his lips, then finally his lips. Kissed him sweetly, reassuringly, deeply. As if he was telling Hokuto that whatever he thought, it wasn’t real. None of it was. That Taiga wasn’t going to leave him. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

“It wasn’t real,” Taiga said softly, voice sounding like the strumming of guitar strings of a sunny Sunday morning: beautiful and breathtaking. It made Hokuto’s heart feel whole again. “I’m here. I’m with you. I’m not leaving.”

Hokuto nodded, unable to speak. Taiga kissed his lips again, as if giving him the strength. “ _I was so scared,_ ” he admitted, finally. Because he was never as scared as he was, when he thought the nightmare was real. Nothing had ever broken his heart as bad.

“You have me,” Taiga whispered, hope filling Hokuto’s chest.

“ _I love you,_ ” he whispered again, slowly mending Hokuto’s broken pieces.

Then he kissed him again, whispering I love yous over, and over, and over.

And that was all that Hokuto needed. He pulled Taiga closer, feeling Taiga’s skin on his own, exchanging breaths, exchanging heartbeats.

Taiga was here, in his arms, kissing him like he always did, loving him with his whole heart.

Taiga was breathing. Taiga’s heart was beating. Taiga was _alive._

And that was the only thing that mattered.

**Author's Note:**

> I literally do not know how to end fics they're my greatest weakness UGH but sigh. Thoughts?


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